@IamEnidColeslaw: please take down your engagement photos I’M ALLERGIC
@JennyJohnsonHi5: That stowaway kid flew 5 hours in landing gear all because he wanted to see his mom. Sweet. I ignore my mom’s calls when ‘Dateline’ is on.
@EliTerry: *whispers into samsung watch phone* hey ill call you back later. i look like an asshole right now.
@Fun_Beard: A group of Hipsters is called a monocle.
@DamienFahey: Just sending out a giant fuck you to the person who decided the music on an iPhone should lower every time you get a text.
@mrdavehill: Remember when we all had to just sit there and wonder what everyone else was doing all the time?
@NikkiGlaser: Can one get swimmers ear from crying while lying in bed?
@jakefogelnest: Some fucked up bunny clucks like a chicken and lays chocolate eggs wrapped in foil and no one even blinks? Satan is everywhere.
@nealbrennan: If you keep a music box in your house, you’re pretty much asking to get haunted.
@nachosarah: going to brunch is like being in game of thrones because there’s a ton of people and they’re all white