@badbanana: You know why you never see a fat ninja? Because ninja.
@yoyoha: “•••” – me rewording my text to you before deciding not to send it because texting is stupid
@IamEnidColeslaw: things I’m scared of:
2. opening my eyes while I’m kissing someone
@trevso_electric: Sometimes a girl will get married just to pretend she’s not interested in you. Keep texting her.
@SamGrittner: Kanye West is what happens when an ice cream headache comes alive.
@Joshmadden: odds were made to be beaten
@imchriskelly: i wish it was “driver roll up the partition please/i don’t need you seeing jay on his knees”
@TaranKillam: Leaking naked pictures of Kim Kardashian makes you the laziest hacker in the world.
@louisvirtel: Taylor Swift is so someone who performs all eight minutes of “American Pie” at karaoke.
@DannyZuker: I worry these new larger iPhone screens might set up unrealistic expectations in those to whom I send dick pics.